Saturday, August 11, 2012

A breakdown

A breakdown

I can't remember the last time I cried. It's been months. This morning I just lost it. I cried until there were no more tears.

It's Saturday, and as I have every Saturday for the past ten weeks, I got up at 4:30am to make sure my husband got up and got ready for his weekly trip to Denver to see his dying father in the Denver Hospice. He was in an incredibly bad mood this morning. I can't blame him though. He works full-time, with a two-three hour commute each day. Then he has to fly Seattle to Denver and back every weekend, and visit with his dying father. It's almost too much for one person to bear.

I dropped him at the airport at 6am, his flight is at 7:35am. He travels standby on my flight benefits, and this flight has been oversold every Saturday. Somehow, by the grace of God, he gets the very last seat. It's happened over and over, and again today.

I came home and tried to get my dying 16-year old cat to eat something. She's in kidney failure and is down to four pounds (she was 8 pounds). The vet assures me she's not in any pain, but I've noticed she's starting to have trouble walking and she's barely eating or drinking. She won't eat the special food the vet prescribed, and now she's only eating tiny bits of chicken and baby food. I know the time is near.

Then I checked my emails. I had a companion grave marker made and shipped to Fairbanks for my brother-in-law that passed away two years ago, and for my sister when she eventually passes. My brother-in-law's ashes are in the possession of my craziest niece. The one that calls me a selfish bitch to anyone that will listen. I've been sending her and her husband emails requesting they turn the ashes over to the owner of the cemetery so they can be interred and the grave marker installed. No responses to my emails. I may have to have the grave marker installed without my brother-in-laws ashes.

Tomorrow is my sister's 74th birthday. I need to go shopping for a few gifts, and get her a cake, flowers and balloons. I'll take her out to lunch tomorrow and then a movie, Hope Springs (looks cute). The weather is suppose to be nice so I thought we'd go for a walk down by the water. Then back to the home for dinner. cake and ice cream. I've decided not to keep her out so late anymore. It's just too much for both of us.

I am incredibly sad today. I'm feeling like death, sickness and dysfunction surrounds me. I know this isn't  a healthy attitude, but I can't seem to pull myself out of this dark hole I've fallen into. I don't think I'm depressed, but I'm feeling a wave of sadness that I haven't felt in a long time.

Today I'm going to try out my new cycling shoes at the gym. I found a video on how the SPD cleats clip onto the pedals. Thank goodness I watched the video or I would never have figured it out. There's a 9:15am class I'm contemplating. I know if I go, it will most likely shake me out of this mood I'm in today. I haven't been to the gym since last weekend. That's probably a big reason why I'm feeling so sad.

That being said, I will now hit the publish button, get dressed in my workout clothes and head to the gym.

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