Monday, September 3, 2012

The real problem with my me

The real problem with my me

I've made quite a few comments recently about how much I hate my gym. It seems like  everyone is younger, skinnier and prettier than me. By a long shot. I often feel out of place and feel like I don't belong there. It's been bothering me for months, and as I gained even more weight I have become even more uncomfortable at my gym.

I especially hate the free weight area because it's always packed with young, buff men lifting ridiculously heavy weights as they admire their handsome physiques in the mirrors. 

Suddenly today it hit me. That's what I really hate about my gym. I hate my own image in the mirrors. It's not them, it's me! I hate how I look. When I look at my reflection, I see a fat, middle-aged, out-of-shape woman that doesn't belong there.

This was quite revelation for me. It made me feel sad and sorry for myself.

***This is where I stopped writing last night. I thought, well, I've identified the real problem, but how do I fix it? I was clueless on how to change my way of thinking about myself and my body. I have years of ingrained negative thoughts on obesity, especially about my own obesity. How does one overcome such negative thoughts?***

I stopped writing and starting looking at other blogs. I'm amazed that I was led to this post, on a blog I have never read before. I found her on Bethany McDonald's Memorial Blogroll. If you haven't visited Bethany's blog, you should check it out. Last night the first blog I looked at was Happy Weight After's post,
"Hey, Fat Girl!"--and if you're a heavy person exercising in public, feeling eyes on you, read this... Which took me to this post by  Flintland, "Hey, Fat Girl".What are the chances I'd end up reading a post written three months ago, aimed at my specific issue, written by a blogger I'd never heard of before. I'd say slim to none, yet it happened. Not to mention this post has 371 comments since it hit home with quite a few people.

I'm heading to the gym in a few minutes, after I get a tall glass of water in me. I will walk in with my head held high, I will smile at anyone that looks my way, and I will be proud of myself for doing what is good for me. I may look out of place, I may wear the shame of being fat, but I'm working on it and that's a lot more than can be said for a lot of people. At least I'm trying to get healthy, and that's something to be proud about.

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