Every once and a while I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown
Most of the time, I'm okay. Amazingly okay. I feel strong and positive that I'm doing the right thing by having filed for divorce. I feel confident that my life will all work out for the best and in the long run, everyone will be better off.
Then sometimes, like right now, I feel like I'm just a huge mess and nothing is ever going to be okay again.
I realized today that some of the cats that I've shared with my husband for several years will go with him when the dust settles on the divorce. I thought I was okay with this because they really are his cats. They adore him and when he was here they hung out with him, not me. I really have one cat that loves me and only me. Mickey. He's the one I took to Palm Springs with me (pictured in the window at my girlfriend's house a few posts ago). He's the only cat that comes when I call him and wraps his front paws around my ankles. He sleeps with me. He's my best cat friend. Without a doubt, he goes with me.
Cats are not loyal creatures. Now that my husband is gone I have become their best friend, their only friend. I find myself growing attached to these guys even though I don't want to. That makes me very sad. I know if my husband was to walk in the door, that I would quickly be relegated back to my previous second-class status. Of course, he would only walk through the door over my dead body, and I mean that literally. Someday though, we'll have to split up our belongings and the cats. Thinking about it makes me cry.
The fact that it's the holidays doesn't help either. Add in the shootings in Connecticut and the continuous news reports on the subject, well, let's just rip my heart out and stomp on it.
Diet and exercise. What's that you say? This is suppose to be about my journey to getting healthy. Well guess what? I made fudge at lunch and ate six large pieces (I worked from home today) -- that was my lunch! I felt violently ill all afternoon. Like I was going to throw up. Hot and sweaty. Trouble breathing. I thought I was dying. Death by chocolate seemed like a reality. I've cut up the rest of it, placed it on a pretty dish, saran wrapped it and put it in the trunk of my car. For work tomorrow. I don't care if I ever eat a sweet thing again the rest of my life. Totally gross!
Tomorrow morning...the gym! I promise. I'm going to follow one of my favorite blogger's suggestions and put my workout clothes on the back of my bedroom door so they'll be the first thing I see in the morning. Thank you Roxie from Gravel and Rust for this great idea. I even have the alarm set. Even if it kills me I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I promise to post first thing in the morning with an update on my gym experience...and my nervous breakdown status. Usually things are always better in the morning...they don't feel like they can be much worse right now.