My weighin and new before pictures

My weighin and new before pictures

My weighin at Weight Watchers was just as awful as I suspected it would be.

217.2

I've been weighing at home so this wasn't a surprise. It was still painful, especially because the woman weighing me in has known me from my high of 239 and my low of 152. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to. It was humiliating to admit to another person that I've gained back most of the weight I lost.

I think this time will be different. I have a different goal and a different reason this time for getting to goal. At least I hope I value my life more than a bowl of ice cream or a cookie.

Weight Watchers was fun yesterday. It felt good to be back in a structured program. Plus, I LOVE my leader. She is wonderful, funny, kind, and very passionate about Weight Watchers. They have a new and improved program. They do this every year around this time. It's just a marketing ploy, but I'm okay with it.

I went to the gym yesterday. Because of the sprinting in Krav Maga I added the treadmill to my routine (which I hate). I'm just not a runner. Today my legs are killing me and my knees feel like they're about ready to snap in two. Major pain. I think I'll change the treadmill routine to walking and then run for 30 seconds, and gradually increase the running to a minute. Really if I'm running from an assailant, I'll most likely only be running for a minute or two, not 30 minutes. That's all we have to do in Krav, is sprint across the room, from one to five times.

I also hit the boxing bags for about fifteen minutes, in five minute intervals. Even though I was wearing my weight lifting gloves and the gym's boxing gloves, I still ripped the scabs off my knuckles. Punching those boxing bags is really a workout. My heart rate would soar up to 148 in about a minute. After fifteen minutes I was ready to pass out. Really a great workout.

Now for the dreaded pictures. These were taken in Palm Springs when my girlfriend and I went hiking in Palm Canyon, the weekend of Thanksgiving.



This is my future home. Once I get done paying for the divorce this will be all I can afford. :)

This is so I end with a pretty picture. This is Mickey, my cat. I took him with me to Palm Springs. He's sitting in the window of my room at my girlfriend's house. I love this picture.

If you go looking for trouble, you'll probably find it

If you go looking for trouble, you'll probably find it

It's 12:40 a.m. - Wednesday. I haven't been to bed yet. I even took a sleeping pill over an hour ago, something I never do anymore.

I think there's a saying, if you go looking for trouble, you'll probably find it. If it's not a saying then it should be. I'm not Googling it. I'm too tired, angry, and frustrated to even care.

For some reason that I don't even understand, tonight at about 11 p.m. I decided to go into my husband's office and see what was in the closet that was floor to ceiling boxes. I can't remember if I mentioned on here that he is a hoarder. I'm sure where he's living right now that it's already starting up again. It came to a point where I couldn't even open his office or bedroom doors all the way. To get to his computer he had to turn sideways because there was a narrow path to his desk. His office and his bedroom could have been on an episode of Hoarders. It was hideous, as was our garage and the shed. It's part of the reason for the divorce, but actually, just a small part.

I cleaned his bedroom (if you hadn't already guess we haven't shared a bedroom in over a decade). I cleaned the shed, and about half of the garage so I can at least park in it. I did this while he was in the hospital and in rehab for his broken leg. He asked me to clean his bedroom so he could get his wheelchair in the room, along with his walker. So it's very clean, other than the clutter he started gathering when he came home. He wasn't happy about his clean bedroom, but I considered it a health hazard and it had to be cleaned.

His office is a different story. I started on it, but didn't have time to do much. I've been wondering what was in the closet, which was filled with boxes. I found stuff. Letters from during our marriage, from other women. Lots and lots of letters and cards, some with dates that were only five years into our marriage. We've been married twenty-four years. I read the letters from these women. They loved him, they loved feeling his arms around them, they wanted to be with him, they missed him when they were apart. Even though I had suspected this for years I never had any proof. Now I have proof. Now it doesn't matter anymore.

It still hurt. When I was reading the letters and some of the things they said to and about him, I felt the blood drain out of my body. I was hit with chills, like I was freezing. I took one of the boxes and sat by the fireplace as I read through his treasures from other women. Amidst the love letters were cards from me. Birthday, anniversary and Christmas cards. "I love you" cards as well, from me, telling him how much I loved him. These were mixed in with letters to him from other women, dated the same time. Some date as far back as 1993, that's when he had a post office box in only his name. He said it made our mail safer (we were in an apartment). Now I know it made "his" mail safer.

Some of this was before cell phones, but I found out he had an 800 number so the women could call him. I don't know where they called him. His work? What the hell? The women talked about how they loved talking to him for hours, and the wonderful conversations they had with him. It made me want to puke. I even found one letter from one of the women's husband telling him to stay away from his wife.

Wow. Just "wow" is all I can say. If I had even one smidgen of doubt about this divorce (and actually, I haven't - but if I did), this would have put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage.

I guess I'll go to bed now. I still plan on the gym, in about five hours. My revenge is to get healthy and look good. To be strong and powerful. As far as my husband, he can just go to hell for all I care. 

Morning update

Morning update

I promised I'd post here this morning, and thank you so much for your kind comments on my crazy post from earlier today.

First, life lesson learned this morning at 1 a.m.:

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

If you read my earlier post at 1 a.m. today you know about what I found out last night about my marriage. I knew something was wrong from the beginning. My recent divorce filing is my third time in 24 years I've tried to end this marriage. I knew the day we got married it was a mistake. I didn't listen to my gut, which was an even bigger mistake. It's going to cost me, monetarily and mentally, to end this 24-year long mistake. If only I had listened to my inner voice. Lesson noted and learned.

Speaking of listening to my gut, the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. I couldn't turn it off fast enough. I had only been sleeping about two hours, if you call tossing and turning, and having a panic attack at 4 a.m. sleeping. I woke up again at 6 a.m. I thought I can either roll over and play dead, or get up and fight for what I want in life. I chose my life over another hour of sleep. I went to the gym. It was only 35 minutes on the elliptical. I forgot my water bottle. I missed my turn onto the road to the gym and was on my way to work. Luckily I noticed this before I got on the freeway. I was on the elliptical for five minutes before I realized I didn't have my iPod on. I guess I'm really out of practice for the gym.

Now it's off to work. I feel good today. Good about going to the gym. Good about my decision to end my marriage. Things really are better in the morning.

If you go looking for trouble, you'll probably find it

If you go looking for trouble, you'll probably find it

It's 12:40 a.m. - Wednesday. I haven't been to bed yet. I even took a sleeping pill over an hour ago, something I never do anymore.

I think there's a saying, if you go looking for trouble, you'll probably find it. If it's not a saying then it should be. I'm not Googling it. I'm too tired, angry, and frustrated to even care.

For some reason that I don't even understand, tonight at about 11 p.m. I decided to go into my husband's office and see what was in the closet that was floor to ceiling boxes. I can't remember if I mentioned on here that he is a hoarder. I'm sure where he's living right now that it's already starting up again. It came to a point where I couldn't even open his office or bedroom doors all the way. To get to his computer he had to turn sideways because there was a narrow path to his desk. His office and his bedroom could have been on an episode of Hoarders. It was hideous, as was our garage and the shed. It's part of the reason for the divorce, but actually, just a small part.

I cleaned his bedroom (if you hadn't already guess we haven't shared a bedroom in over a decade). I cleaned the shed, and about half of the garage so I can at least park in it. I did this while he was in the hospital and in rehab for his broken leg. He asked me to clean his bedroom so he could get his wheelchair in the room, along with his walker. So it's very clean, other than the clutter he started gathering when he came home. He wasn't happy about his clean bedroom, but I considered it a health hazard and it had to be cleaned.

His office is a different story. I started on it, but didn't have time to do much. I've been wondering what was in the closet, which was filled with boxes. I found stuff. Letters from during our marriage, from other women. Lots and lots of letters and cards, some with dates that were only five years into our marriage. We've been married twenty-four years. I read the letters from these women. They loved him, they loved feeling his arms around them, they wanted to be with him, they missed him when they were apart. Even though I had suspected this for years I never had any proof. Now I have proof. Now it doesn't matter anymore.

It still hurt. When I was reading the letters and some of the things they said to and about him, I felt the blood drain out of my body. I was hit with chills, like I was freezing. I took one of the boxes and sat by the fireplace as I read through his treasures from other women. Amidst the love letters were cards from me. Birthday, anniversary and Christmas cards. "I love you" cards as well, from me, telling him how much I loved him. These were mixed in with letters to him from other women, dated the same time. Some date as far back as 1993, that's when he had a post office box in only his name. He said it made our mail safer (we were in an apartment). Now I know it made "his" mail safer.

Some of this was before cell phones, but I found out he had an 800 number so the women could call him. I don't know where they called him. His work? What the hell? The women talked about how they loved talking to him for hours, and the wonderful conversations they had with him. It made me want to puke. I even found one letter from one of the women's husband telling him to stay away from his wife.

Wow. Just "wow" is all I can say. If I had even one smidgen of doubt about this divorce (and actually, I haven't - but if I did), this would have put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage.

I guess I'll go to bed now. I still plan on the gym, in about five hours. My revenge is to get healthy and look good. To be strong and powerful. As far as my husband, he can just go to hell for all I care. 

Morning update

Morning update

I promised I'd post here this morning, and thank you so much for your kind comments on my crazy post from earlier today.

First, life lesson learned this morning at 1 a.m.:

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

If you read my earlier post at 1 a.m. today you know about what I found out last night about my marriage. I knew something was wrong from the beginning. My recent divorce filing is my third time in 24 years I've tried to end this marriage. I knew the day we got married it was a mistake. I didn't listen to my gut, which was an even bigger mistake. It's going to cost me, monetarily and mentally, to end this 24-year long mistake. If only I had listened to my inner voice. Lesson noted and learned.

Speaking of listening to my gut, the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. I couldn't turn it off fast enough. I had only been sleeping about two hours, if you call tossing and turning, and having a panic attack at 4 a.m. sleeping. I woke up again at 6 a.m. I thought I can either roll over and play dead, or get up and fight for what I want in life. I chose my life over another hour of sleep. I went to the gym. It was only 35 minutes on the elliptical. I forgot my water bottle. I missed my turn onto the road to the gym and was on my way to work. Luckily I noticed this before I got on the freeway. I was on the elliptical for five minutes before I realized I didn't have my iPod on. I guess I'm really out of practice for the gym.

Now it's off to work. I feel good today. Good about going to the gym. Good about my decision to end my marriage. Things really are better in the morning.

Morning update

Morning update

I promised I'd post here this morning, and thank you so much for your kind comments on my crazy post from earlier today.

First, life lesson learned this morning at 1 a.m.:

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

If you read my earlier post at 1 a.m. today you know about what I found out last night about my marriage. I knew something was wrong from the beginning. My recent divorce filing is my third time in 24 years I've tried to end this marriage. I knew the day we got married it was a mistake. I didn't listen to my gut, which was an even bigger mistake. It's going to cost me, monetarily and mentally, to end this 24-year long mistake. If only I had listened to my inner voice. Lesson noted and learned.

Speaking of listening to my gut, the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. I couldn't turn it off fast enough. I had only been sleeping about two hours, if you call tossing and turning, and having a panic attack at 4 a.m. sleeping. I woke up again at 6 a.m. I thought I can either roll over and play dead, or get up and fight for what I want in life. I chose my life over another hour of sleep. I went to the gym. It was only 35 minutes on the elliptical. I forgot my water bottle. I missed my turn onto the road to the gym and was on my way to work. Luckily I noticed this before I got on the freeway. I was on the elliptical for five minutes before I realized I didn't have my iPod on. I guess I'm really out of practice for the gym.

Now it's off to work. I feel good today. Good about going to the gym. Good about my decision to end my marriage. Things really are better in the morning.

Morning update

Morning update

I promised I'd post here this morning, and thank you so much for your kind comments on my crazy post from earlier today.

First, life lesson learned this morning at 1 a.m.:

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

If you read my earlier post at 1 a.m. today you know about what I found out last night about my marriage. I knew something was wrong from the beginning. My recent divorce filing is my third time in 24 years I've tried to end this marriage. I knew the day we got married it was a mistake. I didn't listen to my gut, which was an even bigger mistake. It's going to cost me, monetarily and mentally, to end this 24-year long mistake. If only I had listened to my inner voice. Lesson noted and learned.

Speaking of listening to my gut, the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. I couldn't turn it off fast enough. I had only been sleeping about two hours, if you call tossing and turning, and having a panic attack at 4 a.m. sleeping. I woke up again at 6 a.m. I thought I can either roll over and play dead, or get up and fight for what I want in life. I chose my life over another hour of sleep. I went to the gym. It was only 35 minutes on the elliptical. I forgot my water bottle. I missed my turn onto the road to the gym and was on my way to work. Luckily I noticed this before I got on the freeway. I was on the elliptical for five minutes before I realized I didn't have my iPod on. I guess I'm really out of practice for the gym.

Now it's off to work. I feel good today. Good about going to the gym. Good about my decision to end my marriage. Things really are better in the morning.