I found the fat people

I found the fat people

The fat people were grocery shopping this afternoon at my local supermarket. In fact, we looked like we were at a fat people convention.

I went straight from the gym to the grocery store (and yes, I was a hot, sweaty and very unattractive mess...more on that later). I don't remember the last time I shopped on a Saturday afternoon. There were a lot of extremely overweight people there today, and my heart broke a little for each and every one of them. I know first-hand how much this hurts, physically and mentally.

I'd guess the average BMI was 40+. There were a lot of people that appeared to be 250 to 300 pounds (and they weren't seven feet tall!). I'm a pretty good judge of weight. I'm 213 pounds, 5' 6", and I was probably one of the thinner of the fat people.

I really try not to pass judgement on overweight people for buying junk food:  a.) it's none of my business and b.) I've been there. Yet, I couldn't help  myself as I peeked into their grocery baskets. I didn't see anyone even attempting to eat healthy. Mostly processed foods, frozen or canned, and a lot of chips, bakery goods, cookies and candy, and similar unhealthy choices. I wonder how many times someone has looked at my food choices and thought 'oh my goodness, she shouldn't be eating that food...she's already too fat!'.

In an odd way, it actually helped me make really healthy choices. First of all, I'd just come from the gym which is the absolute best time for me to shop for food. When I've just worked out really hard and had a great workout, I truly have no desire to eat junk. Today I was thinking maybe that's the only time I should go grocery shopping, after a workout. Then I saw so many people in my situation, struggling with obesity, it just reinforced what I was already feeling about food. Make healthy choices.

About the gym
I posted a few days ago about how much I dislike my gym, L.A. Fitness. It's filled with young, healthy people. Now, I have nothing against being young or being healthy. I was just having a problem with being the oldest, most unfit person at my gym. The close quarters of the free weights area, filled with young, muscular men, was the most annoying aspect of it. I love working out with free weights, but I was really feeling intimidated by the men.

I found a solution! Today I did most of my free weights in the group class area that was empty. It's a huge room, mirrors on three sides, high ceiling and cooler (temperature) than the rest of the gym. Someone had left a set of 15-pound dumbbells and a 25-pound plate weight. Perfect for three of my upper body exercises. Then I used the 8-pound weights for some deltoids exercises, add in three machines for lats and delts, and I had a great weight workout. I was the only person in there, except for one young woman that came in and did some crunches. I checked the class schedule and there aren't any classes in there Monday, Wednesday and Friday until 8:30am. Perfect!

Of course, there are some bench free weight exercises I still need to do, so I'll have fight for a bench and deal with the all-guy area (that's how I've come to think of it). I'll manage, and like some of you said, I have just as much to be there as they do. 

I also faced the StairMaster today. I've been avoiding it with the logic I'm too fat for the StairMaster. Well, you're never to fat for the StairMaster! I was definitely slower than the guy next to me (yes, he was young and thin), but my average heart rate was 132, and I burned 236 calories in 30 minutes. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, and a lot more "fun" than the elliptical. More of a challenge and you can't cheat.

Food has been nearly perfect today. This is the fourth day in a row of eating healthy and exercising. It feels good to be back.

I found the fat people

I found the fat people

The fat people were grocery shopping this afternoon at my local supermarket. In fact, we looked like we were at a fat people convention.

I went straight from the gym to the grocery store (and yes, I was a hot, sweaty and very unattractive mess...more on that later). I don't remember the last time I shopped on a Saturday afternoon. There were a lot of extremely overweight people there today, and my heart broke a little for each and every one of them. I know first-hand how much this hurts, physically and mentally.

I'd guess the average BMI was 40+. There were a lot of people that appeared to be 250 to 300 pounds (and they weren't seven feet tall!). I'm a pretty good judge of weight. I'm 213 pounds, 5' 6", and I was probably one of the thinner of the fat people.

I really try not to pass judgement on overweight people for buying junk food:  a.) it's none of my business and b.) I've been there. Yet, I couldn't help  myself as I peeked into their grocery baskets. I didn't see anyone even attempting to eat healthy. Mostly processed foods, frozen or canned, and a lot of chips, bakery goods, cookies and candy, and similar unhealthy choices. I wonder how many times someone has looked at my food choices and thought 'oh my goodness, she shouldn't be eating that food...she's already too fat!'.

In an odd way, it actually helped me make really healthy choices. First of all, I'd just come from the gym which is the absolute best time for me to shop for food. When I've just worked out really hard and had a great workout, I truly have no desire to eat junk. Today I was thinking maybe that's the only time I should go grocery shopping, after a workout. Then I saw so many people in my situation, struggling with obesity, it just reinforced what I was already feeling about food. Make healthy choices.

About the gym
I posted a few days ago about how much I dislike my gym, L.A. Fitness. It's filled with young, healthy people. Now, I have nothing against being young or being healthy. I was just having a problem with being the oldest, most unfit person at my gym. The close quarters of the free weights area, filled with young, muscular men, was the most annoying aspect of it. I love working out with free weights, but I was really feeling intimidated by the men.

I found a solution! Today I did most of my free weights in the group class area that was empty. It's a huge room, mirrors on three sides, high ceiling and cooler (temperature) than the rest of the gym. Someone had left a set of 15-pound dumbbells and a 25-pound plate weight. Perfect for three of my upper body exercises. Then I used the 8-pound weights for some deltoids exercises, add in three machines for lats and delts, and I had a great weight workout. I was the only person in there, except for one young woman that came in and did some crunches. I checked the class schedule and there aren't any classes in there Monday, Wednesday and Friday until 8:30am. Perfect!

Of course, there are some bench free weight exercises I still need to do, so I'll have fight for a bench and deal with the all-guy area (that's how I've come to think of it). I'll manage, and like some of you said, I have just as much to be there as they do. 

I also faced the StairMaster today. I've been avoiding it with the logic I'm too fat for the StairMaster. Well, you're never to fat for the StairMaster! I was definitely slower than the guy next to me (yes, he was young and thin), but my average heart rate was 132, and I burned 236 calories in 30 minutes. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, and a lot more "fun" than the elliptical. More of a challenge and you can't cheat.

Food has been nearly perfect today. This is the fourth day in a row of eating healthy and exercising. It feels good to be back.

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.

~Diana
♥

Back from hell

Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzled ice water. I was 221.0 last Wednesday. Today I'm 213.2. I feel back in control.

Now it's off to work and my regular life, which I appreciate so much more after the last three days!

I found the fat people

I found the fat people

The fat people were grocery shopping this afternoon at my local supermarket. In fact, we looked like we were at a fat people convention.

I went straight from the gym to the grocery store (and yes, I was a hot, sweaty and very unattractive mess...more on that later). I don't remember the last time I shopped on a Saturday afternoon. There were a lot of extremely overweight people there today, and my heart broke a little for each and every one of them. I know first-hand how much this hurts, physically and mentally.

I'd guess the average BMI was 40+. There were a lot of people that appeared to be 250 to 300 pounds (and they weren't seven feet tall!). I'm a pretty good judge of weight. I'm 213 pounds, 5' 6", and I was probably one of the thinner of the fat people.

I really try not to pass judgement on overweight people for buying junk food:  a.) it's none of my business and b.) I've been there. Yet, I couldn't help  myself as I peeked into their grocery baskets. I didn't see anyone even attempting to eat healthy. Mostly processed foods, frozen or canned, and a lot of chips, bakery goods, cookies and candy, and similar unhealthy choices. I wonder how many times someone has looked at my food choices and thought 'oh my goodness, she shouldn't be eating that food...she's already too fat!'.

In an odd way, it actually helped me make really healthy choices. First of all, I'd just come from the gym which is the absolute best time for me to shop for food. When I've just worked out really hard and had a great workout, I truly have no desire to eat junk. Today I was thinking maybe that's the only time I should go grocery shopping, after a workout. Then I saw so many people in my situation, struggling with obesity, it just reinforced what I was already feeling about food. Make healthy choices.

About the gym
I posted a few days ago about how much I dislike my gym, L.A. Fitness. It's filled with young, healthy people. Now, I have nothing against being young or being healthy. I was just having a problem with being the oldest, most unfit person at my gym. The close quarters of the free weights area, filled with young, muscular men, was the most annoying aspect of it. I love working out with free weights, but I was really feeling intimidated by the men.

I found a solution! Today I did most of my free weights in the group class area that was empty. It's a huge room, mirrors on three sides, high ceiling and cooler (temperature) than the rest of the gym. Someone had left a set of 15-pound dumbbells and a 25-pound plate weight. Perfect for three of my upper body exercises. Then I used the 8-pound weights for some deltoids exercises, add in three machines for lats and delts, and I had a great weight workout. I was the only person in there, except for one young woman that came in and did some crunches. I checked the class schedule and there aren't any classes in there Monday, Wednesday and Friday until 8:30am. Perfect!

Of course, there are some bench free weight exercises I still need to do, so I'll have fight for a bench and deal with the all-guy area (that's how I've come to think of it). I'll manage, and like some of you said, I have just as much to be there as they do. 

I also faced the StairMaster today. I've been avoiding it with the logic I'm too fat for the StairMaster. Well, you're never to fat for the StairMaster! I was definitely slower than the guy next to me (yes, he was young and thin), but my average heart rate was 132, and I burned 236 calories in 30 minutes. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, and a lot more "fun" than the elliptical. More of a challenge and you can't cheat.

Food has been nearly perfect today. This is the fourth day in a row of eating healthy and exercising. It feels good to be back.

Where are all the fat people?

Where are all the fat people?

I took the day off from work. It was going to be a sort of mental health day for me, and catching up on chores. That idea ended quickly when my husband called as he was on his way to work and said his sister had texted him that their dad's blood pressure was less than 60/40 and the machine couldn't even read it. This is one of the signs that death is near.

My husband rushed home, we made a conference call to the hospice and his dad is doing "okay", and could hang on for days or weeks. He was asking for his Coke so they took that as a sign he's got a little life left in him. Plus he's still flirting with the young nurse, Ashley. She looks a lot like my mother-in-law did when she was young, absolutely gorgeous (they're divorced). Ashely calls my father-in-law her Romeo. He always wants a  hug and kiss from her. Guess he's not dead yet.

The hospice urged us to make arrangements for cremation, which we were suppose to do Monday, but my husband is really having a hard time dealing with everything. I called a few cremation services in Denver and made the arrangements. My husband headed back to work at noon.

I'm not close to my father-in-law, but watching my husband being torn apart over this is hard. In addition, he just started a new job two months ago so he can't really take time off and sit by his dad's bedside waiting for him to die.

So I bet you're wondering about the title of this post, "Where are all the fat people?". Well, I just back from the gym. I realized today why I hate my gym so much. I am the fattest and oldest person there, by at least 80 pounds and at least 20+ years. Everyone is height, weight proportionate, muscled or toned and they all appear to be under 30. I can't figure our what happened to all the fat, out-of-shape people that went to my old Ballys before they closed. I miss them!

My favorite thing at the gym, lifting free weights, isn't very fun anymore. First of all the free weight area is really tiny at L.A. Fitness compared to my old Ballys (it had three weight rooms). Then there are always young, twenty-something guys lifting extremely heavy free weights or cute young girls lifting five and ten-pound weights.

I know I need to get over this, and I belong there as much as they do, but I feel awkward and out of place. I never felt like this at Ballys. It's not going to stop me, and I'll keep going. I really don't have any other choice. I'm not disciplined enough to work out on my own at home, and it's the only gym in the area. Guess I'll just have to deal with being the fattest and the oldest person at the gym.

Where are all the fat people?

Where are all the fat people?

I took the day off from work. It was going to be a sort of mental health day for me, and catching up on chores. That idea ended quickly when my husband called as he was on his way to work and said his sister had texted him that their dad's blood pressure was less than 60/40 and the machine couldn't even read it. This is one of the signs that death is near.

My husband rushed home, we made a conference call to the hospice and his dad is doing "okay", and could hang on for days or weeks. He was asking for his Coke so they took that as a sign he's got a little life left in him. Plus he's still flirting with the young nurse, Ashley. She looks a lot like my mother-in-law did when she was young, absolutely gorgeous (they're divorced). Ashely calls my father-in-law her Romeo. He always wants a  hug and kiss from her. Guess he's not dead yet.

The hospice urged us to make arrangements for cremation, which we were suppose to do Monday, but my husband is really having a hard time dealing with everything. I called a few cremation services in Denver and made the arrangements. My husband headed back to work at noon.

I'm not close to my father-in-law, but watching my husband being torn apart over this is hard. In addition, he just started a new job two months ago so he can't really take time off and sit by his dad's bedside waiting for him to die.

So I bet you're wondering about the title of this post, "Where are all the fat people?". Well, I just back from the gym. I realized today why I hate my gym so much. I am the fattest and oldest person there, by at least 80 pounds and at least 20+ years. Everyone is height, weight proportionate, muscled or toned and they all appear to be under 30. I can't figure our what happened to all the fat, out-of-shape people that went to my old Ballys before they closed. I miss them!

My favorite thing at the gym, lifting free weights, isn't very fun anymore. First of all the free weight area is really tiny at L.A. Fitness compared to my old Ballys (it had three weight rooms). Then there are always young, twenty-something guys lifting extremely heavy free weights or cute young girls lifting five and ten-pound weights.

I know I need to get over this, and I belong there as much as they do, but I feel awkward and out of place. I never felt like this at Ballys. It's not going to stop me, and I'll keep going. I really don't have any other choice. I'm not disciplined enough to work out on my own at home, and it's the only gym in the area. Guess I'll just have to deal with being the fattest and the oldest person at the gym.

Where are all the fat people?

Where are all the fat people?

I took the day off from work. It was going to be a sort of mental health day for me, and catching up on chores. That idea ended quickly when my husband called as he was on his way to work and said his sister had texted him that their dad's blood pressure was less than 60/40 and the machine couldn't even read it. This is one of the signs that death is near.

My husband rushed home, we made a conference call to the hospice and his dad is doing "okay", and could hang on for days or weeks. He was asking for his Coke so they took that as a sign he's got a little life left in him. Plus he's still flirting with the young nurse, Ashley. She looks a lot like my mother-in-law did when she was young, absolutely gorgeous (they're divorced). Ashely calls my father-in-law her Romeo. He always wants a  hug and kiss from her. Guess he's not dead yet.

The hospice urged us to make arrangements for cremation, which we were suppose to do Monday, but my husband is really having a hard time dealing with everything. I called a few cremation services in Denver and made the arrangements. My husband headed back to work at noon.

I'm not close to my father-in-law, but watching my husband being torn apart over this is hard. In addition, he just started a new job two months ago so he can't really take time off and sit by his dad's bedside waiting for him to die.

So I bet you're wondering about the title of this post, "Where are all the fat people?". Well, I just back from the gym. I realized today why I hate my gym so much. I am the fattest and oldest person there, by at least 80 pounds and at least 20+ years. Everyone is height, weight proportionate, muscled or toned and they all appear to be under 30. I can't figure our what happened to all the fat, out-of-shape people that went to my old Ballys before they closed. I miss them!

My favorite thing at the gym, lifting free weights, isn't very fun anymore. First of all the free weight area is really tiny at L.A. Fitness compared to my old Ballys (it had three weight rooms). Then there are always young, twenty-something guys lifting extremely heavy free weights or cute young girls lifting five and ten-pound weights.

I know I need to get over this, and I belong there as much as they do, but I feel awkward and out of place. I never felt like this at Ballys. It's not going to stop me, and I'll keep going. I really don't have any other choice. I'm not disciplined enough to work out on my own at home, and it's the only gym in the area. Guess I'll just have to deal with being the fattest and the oldest person at the gym.

Back from hell

Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzled ice water. I was 221.0 last Wednesday. Today I'm 213.2. I feel back in control.

Now it's off to work and my regular life, which I appreciate so much more after the last three days!

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.

~Diana
♥

Where are all the fat people?

Where are all the fat people?

I took the day off from work. It was going to be a sort of mental health day for me, and catching up on chores. That idea ended quickly when my husband called as he was on his way to work and said his sister had texted him that their dad's blood pressure was less than 60/40 and the machine couldn't even read it. This is one of the signs that death is near.

My husband rushed home, we made a conference call to the hospice and his dad is doing "okay", and could hang on for days or weeks. He was asking for his Coke so they took that as a sign he's got a little life left in him. Plus he's still flirting with the young nurse, Ashley. She looks a lot like my mother-in-law did when she was young, absolutely gorgeous (they're divorced). Ashely calls my father-in-law her Romeo. He always wants a  hug and kiss from her. Guess he's not dead yet.

The hospice urged us to make arrangements for cremation, which we were suppose to do Monday, but my husband is really having a hard time dealing with everything. I called a few cremation services in Denver and made the arrangements. My husband headed back to work at noon.

I'm not close to my father-in-law, but watching my husband being torn apart over this is hard. In addition, he just started a new job two months ago so he can't really take time off and sit by his dad's bedside waiting for him to die.

So I bet you're wondering about the title of this post, "Where are all the fat people?". Well, I just back from the gym. I realized today why I hate my gym so much. I am the fattest and oldest person there, by at least 80 pounds and at least 20+ years. Everyone is height, weight proportionate, muscled or toned and they all appear to be under 30. I can't figure our what happened to all the fat, out-of-shape people that went to my old Ballys before they closed. I miss them!

My favorite thing at the gym, lifting free weights, isn't very fun anymore. First of all the free weight area is really tiny at L.A. Fitness compared to my old Ballys (it had three weight rooms). Then there are always young, twenty-something guys lifting extremely heavy free weights or cute young girls lifting five and ten-pound weights.

I know I need to get over this, and I belong there as much as they do, but I feel awkward and out of place. I never felt like this at Ballys. It's not going to stop me, and I'll keep going. I really don't have any other choice. I'm not disciplined enough to work out on my own at home, and it's the only gym in the area. Guess I'll just have to deal with being the fattest and the oldest person at the gym.

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.

~Diana
♥

Back from hell

Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzled ice water. I was 221.0 last Wednesday. Today I'm 213.2. I feel back in control.

Now it's off to work and my regular life, which I appreciate so much more after the last three days!

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.

~Diana
♥

The hardest thing I've ever done

The hardest thing I've ever done

Tyring to get back into diet and exercise after months of not really "being into it", is a huge struggle for me.

I remember many Weight Watcher meetings where our leader would say, "you know, losing weight isn't rocket science" or "this isn't the hardest thing you've ever done". Then she'd ask things like: Did you graduate college? Did you have a baby? Have you raised a child? Have you ever been married? Have you lost someone you loved?" She always name off several things that every person in the room had experienced, usually not just one of the things, but several of them. Then she would say, compare exercising and eating less to that experience. Then she'd followup with, losing weight is easy in comparison to any of those things. Everyone in the room would nod in agreement.

These days I'm not so sure I'd nod in agreement. I'm really feeling challenged. It feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

I almost made it through yesterday perfectly. Unfortunately, by the time I got home at 9pm I was too wiped out to care about much of anything, much less myself. It was a long work day of fixing major bugs on one of the most challenging projects I've ever worked on at work, with constantly moving requirements. It had a release date that was originally two months ago and now we don't even have a release date (too many issues to set a firm date yet).

When I got home I needed to work on my most challenging personal project, losing weight. I had nothing left to give to myself. I was exhausted. I had taken my workout clothes to work, with the intention of going to the gym after work since I couldn't force myself to get up early enough to go before work. Of course, at 9pm I didn't go. I was mentally and physically wiped out.

After a healthy breakfast and lunch, dinner was a piece of deli fried chicken, left over from a couple days ago. Two Pomegranate frozen fruit bars for dessert. Then bed. No vegetables and no fruit.

I woke up feeling exhausted. I weighed today, 218.8. Not much of an improvement from the 220 yesterday, but I'll take it. At least I didn't gain another pound.

Today is simple. Eat healthy, count calories, exercise. Exercise...I'm not sure when or how that became such a huge challenge for me. I'm not sure how I managed to exercise almost every day for four years and then totally drop out. It's like nightmare come true. Gaining a ton of weight and becoming sedentary.

I guess it's just one day at a time, as so many bloggers say. There's not much else I can do except to keep trying. Maybe today will be the day I get my act together again. Let's hope so. I really don't want this to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Back from hell

Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzled ice water. I was 221.0 last Wednesday. Today I'm 213.2. I feel back in control.

Now it's off to work and my regular life, which I appreciate so much more after the last three days!

Back from hell

Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzled ice water. I was 221.0 last Wednesday. Today I'm 213.2. I feel back in control.

Now it's off to work and my regular life, which I appreciate so much more after the last three days!

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.

~Diana
♥

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.

~Diana
♥

Hanging in there with life...and death

Hanging in there with life...and death

I had a great, happy, upbeat and cheerful post all ready to post on Friday, but I wanted to proof-read it before posting it and as a result, I never posted it. Then things happened and it seemed unimportant..

I'd had a good night food-wise on Thursday, went to the gym Friday morning and worked out like a maniac. The first 15 minutes were pure hell. I won't lie. I HATED every sweating, hurt pumping, painful second. I wanted to leave, not walk, but run out the front door. I stayed for an hour and a half. It changed my entire attitude for the rest of the day and even for the next day. Now I remember why exercised is an essential part of the weight loss plan. Losing weight is really about what's going on in my head.

Yesterday morning I took my sister to see a movie, The Dark Knight Rises. No reviews on that movie. You'll have to make your own mind up on that one. After I dropped off my sister at her home I drove to the airport to catch the 5:40pm flight to Denver, with my husband. It's now Sunday morning, 6:30am. I'm in a hotel in Aurora, Colorado.

We're here to say our final final goodbyes to my father-in-law. He's in the final stages of emphysema (from smoking) and is going to be moved into hospice care this afternoon. He requested that everyone come see him now since he probably only has a week or two left. He has a multitude of health issues, one of which is receiving blood transfusions every other day massive bleeding ulcers.  He's down to 98 pounds.

Although I'm not close to my father-in-law (we've never lived in the same state), my heart weeps for my husband. He's never lost anyone in his life, other than his grandmother. I lost parents many years ago. I know it hurts like hell to lose someone you love so much.

The hospital my father-in-law is in is about two blocks from the theater where the shootings took place a few days ago at the premiere of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora. The hotel, also about a block from the hospital, is packed with reporters. I'm not looking forward to this day but I just have to get through it. Of course the hospital has several of the victims there too. Really dreading this day.

We plan on leaving back to Seattle tonight. I just want this day to be over. I'm sure we'll be back here within a couple weeks for the funeral.

Diet nd exercise aren't on the top of my list right now, but I'll do my best to eat right while I'm here. It's going to be 98 degrees today so walking outside isn't really an option. There's a guest fitness room, but since the hotel is packed, I'm sure it will be too. Plus I didn't bring any workout clothes. More important, I really don't care about that right now. I really wish I was home right now.

Back from hell

Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzled ice water. I was 221.0 last Wednesday. Today I'm 213.2. I feel back in control.

Now it's off to work and my regular life, which I appreciate so much more after the last three days!

Hanging in there with life...and death

Hanging in there with life...and death

I had a great, happy, upbeat and cheerful post all ready to post on Friday, but I wanted to proof-read it before posting it and as a result, I never posted it. Then things happened and it seemed unimportant..

I'd had a good night food-wise on Thursday, went to the gym Friday morning and worked out like a maniac. The first 15 minutes were pure hell. I won't lie. I HATED every sweating, hurt pumping, painful second. I wanted to leave, not walk, but run out the front door. I stayed for an hour and a half. It changed my entire attitude for the rest of the day and even for the next day. Now I remember why exercised is an essential part of the weight loss plan. Losing weight is really about what's going on in my head.

Yesterday morning I took my sister to see a movie, The Dark Knight Rises. No reviews on that movie. You'll have to make your own mind up on that one. After I dropped off my sister at her home I drove to the airport to catch the 5:40pm flight to Denver, with my husband. It's now Sunday morning, 6:30am. I'm in a hotel in Aurora, Colorado.

We're here to say our final final goodbyes to my father-in-law. He's in the final stages of emphysema (from smoking) and is going to be moved into hospice care this afternoon. He requested that everyone come see him now since he probably only has a week or two left. He has a multitude of health issues, one of which is receiving blood transfusions every other day massive bleeding ulcers.  He's down to 98 pounds.

Although I'm not close to my father-in-law (we've never lived in the same state), my heart weeps for my husband. He's never lost anyone in his life, other than his grandmother. I lost parents many years ago. I know it hurts like hell to lose someone you love so much.

The hospital my father-in-law is in is about two blocks from the theater where the shootings took place a few days ago at the premiere of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora. The hotel, also about a block from the hospital, is packed with reporters. I'm not looking forward to this day but I just have to get through it. Of course the hospital has several of the victims there too. Really dreading this day.

We plan on leaving back to Seattle tonight. I just want this day to be over. I'm sure we'll be back here within a couple weeks for the funeral.

Diet nd exercise aren't on the top of my list right now, but I'll do my best to eat right while I'm here. It's going to be 98 degrees today so walking outside isn't really an option. There's a guest fitness room, but since the hotel is packed, I'm sure it will be too. Plus I didn't bring any workout clothes. More important, I really don't care about that right now. I really wish I was home right now.

Hanging in there with life...and death

Hanging in there with life...and death

I had a great, happy, upbeat and cheerful post all ready to post on Friday, but I wanted to proof-read it before posting it and as a result, I never posted it. Then things happened and it seemed unimportant..

I'd had a good night food-wise on Thursday, went to the gym Friday morning and worked out like a maniac. The first 15 minutes were pure hell. I won't lie. I HATED every sweating, hurt pumping, painful second. I wanted to leave, not walk, but run out the front door. I stayed for an hour and a half. It changed my entire attitude for the rest of the day and even for the next day. Now I remember why exercised is an essential part of the weight loss plan. Losing weight is really about what's going on in my head.

Yesterday morning I took my sister to see a movie, The Dark Knight Rises. No reviews on that movie. You'll have to make your own mind up on that one. After I dropped off my sister at her home I drove to the airport to catch the 5:40pm flight to Denver, with my husband. It's now Sunday morning, 6:30am. I'm in a hotel in Aurora, Colorado.

We're here to say our final final goodbyes to my father-in-law. He's in the final stages of emphysema (from smoking) and is going to be moved into hospice care this afternoon. He requested that everyone come see him now since he probably only has a week or two left. He has a multitude of health issues, one of which is receiving blood transfusions every other day massive bleeding ulcers.  He's down to 98 pounds.

Although I'm not close to my father-in-law (we've never lived in the same state), my heart weeps for my husband. He's never lost anyone in his life, other than his grandmother. I lost parents many years ago. I know it hurts like hell to lose someone you love so much.

The hospital my father-in-law is in is about two blocks from the theater where the shootings took place a few days ago at the premiere of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora. The hotel, also about a block from the hospital, is packed with reporters. I'm not looking forward to this day but I just have to get through it. Of course the hospital has several of the victims there too. Really dreading this day.

We plan on leaving back to Seattle tonight. I just want this day to be over. I'm sure we'll be back here within a couple weeks for the funeral.

Diet nd exercise aren't on the top of my list right now, but I'll do my best to eat right while I'm here. It's going to be 98 degrees today so walking outside isn't really an option. There's a guest fitness room, but since the hotel is packed, I'm sure it will be too. Plus I didn't bring any workout clothes. More important, I really don't care about that right now. I really wish I was home right now.

The hardest thing I've ever done

The hardest thing I've ever done

Tyring to get back into diet and exercise after months of not really "being into it", is a huge struggle for me.

I remember many Weight Watcher meetings where our leader would say, "you know, losing weight isn't rocket science" or "this isn't the hardest thing you've ever done". Then she'd ask things like: Did you graduate college? Did you have a baby? Have you raised a child? Have you ever been married? Have you lost someone you loved?" She always name off several things that every person in the room had experienced, usually not just one of the things, but several of them. Then she would say, compare exercising and eating less to that experience. Then she'd followup with, losing weight is easy in comparison to any of those things. Everyone in the room would nod in agreement.

These days I'm not so sure I'd nod in agreement. I'm really feeling challenged. It feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

I almost made it through yesterday perfectly. Unfortunately, by the time I got home at 9pm I was too wiped out to care about much of anything, much less myself. It was a long work day of fixing major bugs on one of the most challenging projects I've ever worked on at work, with constantly moving requirements. It had a release date that was originally two months ago and now we don't even have a release date (too many issues to set a firm date yet).

When I got home I needed to work on my most challenging personal project, losing weight. I had nothing left to give to myself. I was exhausted. I had taken my workout clothes to work, with the intention of going to the gym after work since I couldn't force myself to get up early enough to go before work. Of course, at 9pm I didn't go. I was mentally and physically wiped out.

After a healthy breakfast and lunch, dinner was a piece of deli fried chicken, left over from a couple days ago. Two Pomegranate frozen fruit bars for dessert. Then bed. No vegetables and no fruit.

I woke up feeling exhausted. I weighed today, 218.8. Not much of an improvement from the 220 yesterday, but I'll take it. At least I didn't gain another pound.

Today is simple. Eat healthy, count calories, exercise. Exercise...I'm not sure when or how that became such a huge challenge for me. I'm not sure how I managed to exercise almost every day for four years and then totally drop out. It's like nightmare come true. Gaining a ton of weight and becoming sedentary.

I guess it's just one day at a time, as so many bloggers say. There's not much else I can do except to keep trying. Maybe today will be the day I get my act together again. Let's hope so. I really don't want this to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Hitting rock bottom

Hitting rock bottom

I think I finally hit rock bottom, and I don't like it here.

1. I tried to pull on a pair of size 16 jeans this morning. I couldn't even get them up over my hips. I had to wear one of the two pairs of size 18's that I bought last week.

2. I don't know how much I weigh. The last time I weighed, last week I think, I was 217. Those size 16 jeans were tight, but at least I could get them on and buttoned.

3. I feel like hell. I get winded walking from my car to my office building and it's a very short walk.

4. Walking up one flight of stairs almost makes me pass out. Three flights almost kills me. How did I managed to climb 69 flights of stairs for the Big Climb last year and I did it in 19 minutes? How could I have let myself go like this?

5. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoid mirrors if I can.

6. My body aches. I don't like the rolls of fat hanging off my body. I'm very uncomfortable in this body. I don't feel like myself.

7. I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I feel stiff and out of sorts.

I could go on and on with this list. I could write a book about my misery over being fat.

So why don't I do something about it? I know that's what you're thinking. I know it's what I'm thinking almost every minute of the day. I'm obsessed with the question, why can't I fix myself?

I'm perfect all day, then every night I'm so tired, so frustrated with myself, so unhappy about what I've done to myself, that suddenly I don't care about any of it. I'm in a vicious cycle of self-destruction.

Tonight I really feel like I've hit bottom. I don't think I can feel much worse than I do right now. Oh, I suppose another 100 pounds might make feel worse, but I'm not sure I would get there because I'm pretty sure the weight I am right now is going to kill me first.

All that being said, I think it's time I made a change. I came home and put all the cookies and praline pecans I bought last night (and ate about half) down the garbage disposal. I wanted the food out of the house, and I wanted to show myself that this food is garbage. This is what makes me feel so awful.

I had a banana for a snack when I came home, with a big glass of water. Dinner is broiled tilapia and roasted Brussels sprouts. Then it's bed, then it's the gym tomorrow morning. I'm even going to set the alarm for 5am. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to make it through Day 1 and into Day 2.

The hardest thing I've ever done

The hardest thing I've ever done

Tyring to get back into diet and exercise after months of not really "being into it", is a huge struggle for me.

I remember many Weight Watcher meetings where our leader would say, "you know, losing weight isn't rocket science" or "this isn't the hardest thing you've ever done". Then she'd ask things like: Did you graduate college? Did you have a baby? Have you raised a child? Have you ever been married? Have you lost someone you loved?" She always name off several things that every person in the room had experienced, usually not just one of the things, but several of them. Then she would say, compare exercising and eating less to that experience. Then she'd followup with, losing weight is easy in comparison to any of those things. Everyone in the room would nod in agreement.

These days I'm not so sure I'd nod in agreement. I'm really feeling challenged. It feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

I almost made it through yesterday perfectly. Unfortunately, by the time I got home at 9pm I was too wiped out to care about much of anything, much less myself. It was a long work day of fixing major bugs on one of the most challenging projects I've ever worked on at work, with constantly moving requirements. It had a release date that was originally two months ago and now we don't even have a release date (too many issues to set a firm date yet).

When I got home I needed to work on my most challenging personal project, losing weight. I had nothing left to give to myself. I was exhausted. I had taken my workout clothes to work, with the intention of going to the gym after work since I couldn't force myself to get up early enough to go before work. Of course, at 9pm I didn't go. I was mentally and physically wiped out.

After a healthy breakfast and lunch, dinner was a piece of deli fried chicken, left over from a couple days ago. Two Pomegranate frozen fruit bars for dessert. Then bed. No vegetables and no fruit.

I woke up feeling exhausted. I weighed today, 218.8. Not much of an improvement from the 220 yesterday, but I'll take it. At least I didn't gain another pound.

Today is simple. Eat healthy, count calories, exercise. Exercise...I'm not sure when or how that became such a huge challenge for me. I'm not sure how I managed to exercise almost every day for four years and then totally drop out. It's like nightmare come true. Gaining a ton of weight and becoming sedentary.

I guess it's just one day at a time, as so many bloggers say. There's not much else I can do except to keep trying. Maybe today will be the day I get my act together again. Let's hope so. I really don't want this to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Whole 30 and Dirty Dozen

Whole 30 and Dirty Dozen

Second post in one day, I must be feeling better!

I just skimmed through It Starts With Food on my Kindle. This is really going to be a major change for me. I'm curious about the outcome so I feel really motivated to do it. Weight loss would be great and is my ultimate goal, but feeling better by not eating all the crap I've been eating is even more exciting.

Although I'm not sure I'm completely on board with everything they're suggesting, I'm willing to give it a try. I'm suspicious about cow's milk being unhealthy, but they're logic makes sense. I agree about artificial sweeteners. I was pretty sure that Stevia is not all that healthy and the authors validated my thoughts.

A couple links for you, one is the link to the It Starts With Food website with a lot of free downloads, like how to get started with the Whole 30 and even a shopping list (which is in my purse right now): 


They have so much information on their website you almost don't need the book, although there's a lot of explanation as to why you should follow this eating plan in the book. 

Also, a link to the Dirty Dozen, which I think everyone needs to review.

That's it for now. Getting off this computer and getting my day going. Wonder if there's anything acceptable in my kitchen to eat for the Whole 30. Definitely going to be a challenge.

Hitting rock bottom

Hitting rock bottom

I think I finally hit rock bottom, and I don't like it here.

1. I tried to pull on a pair of size 16 jeans this morning. I couldn't even get them up over my hips. I had to wear one of the two pairs of size 18's that I bought last week.

2. I don't know how much I weigh. The last time I weighed, last week I think, I was 217. Those size 16 jeans were tight, but at least I could get them on and buttoned.

3. I feel like hell. I get winded walking from my car to my office building and it's a very short walk.

4. Walking up one flight of stairs almost makes me pass out. Three flights almost kills me. How did I managed to climb 69 flights of stairs for the Big Climb last year and I did it in 19 minutes? How could I have let myself go like this?

5. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoid mirrors if I can.

6. My body aches. I don't like the rolls of fat hanging off my body. I'm very uncomfortable in this body. I don't feel like myself.

7. I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I feel stiff and out of sorts.

I could go on and on with this list. I could write a book about my misery over being fat.

So why don't I do something about it? I know that's what you're thinking. I know it's what I'm thinking almost every minute of the day. I'm obsessed with the question, why can't I fix myself?

I'm perfect all day, then every night I'm so tired, so frustrated with myself, so unhappy about what I've done to myself, that suddenly I don't care about any of it. I'm in a vicious cycle of self-destruction.

Tonight I really feel like I've hit bottom. I don't think I can feel much worse than I do right now. Oh, I suppose another 100 pounds might make feel worse, but I'm not sure I would get there because I'm pretty sure the weight I am right now is going to kill me first.

All that being said, I think it's time I made a change. I came home and put all the cookies and praline pecans I bought last night (and ate about half) down the garbage disposal. I wanted the food out of the house, and I wanted to show myself that this food is garbage. This is what makes me feel so awful.

I had a banana for a snack when I came home, with a big glass of water. Dinner is broiled tilapia and roasted Brussels sprouts. Then it's bed, then it's the gym tomorrow morning. I'm even going to set the alarm for 5am. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to make it through Day 1 and into Day 2.

I'm just not a caveman

I'm just not a caveman

I tried to do the Whole 30 this past week, on and off. Actually, more off than on. I have issues with it. It made me feel awful. Maybe it wasn't the diet, maybe I was coming down with something, but I felt yukky all week.

Deleting entire food groups from my diet didn't feel right. Milk, grains, legumes. Bad for me? The thoughts on how and when to exercise also concern me.

There are good things about eating like a caveman. Eating real food, eating organic when  possible makes sense. Deleting dairy and grains doesn't make sense. 

I know the primal/paleo diet works for a lot of people. I know this because I read it on their blogs. As much as I wanted to embrace the Whole 30, I just don't think it's a good fit for me.

That being said, what is my plan? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Who knew that at almost 57 years old I still wouldn't have this figured out.

My weight this morning, 216.4. Talk about feeling yukky. As my sister used to say right after her stroke (when she could still talk a little), I--am--mis--er--a--ble.

Today was my first day at making an honest effort of eating carefully, getting in 30 minutes of exercise (walked at lunch and it was painful), and logging my food. Lots of water.

I wore my BodyMedia all day. I was surprised it said I was active one hour and 45 minutes (how did that happen?), and had burned 2471 calories by 8pm. Calorie consumption 1675 (and I weighed and measured everything I ate today).

Well, it's late and I have a book to read for a book club thing I'm doing tomorrow at work. Not sure how I got talked into it, but I said I'd go to the first meeting. Downloaded the book to my Kindle, but guess I actually have to read it now.  Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. No idea what it's about, only that I have to read it.

A rough start with Whole 30

A rough start with Whole 30

I really thought this would be a good weekend to start the Whole 30 plan. My husband was out of town so I had complete control of what I ate. Or did I?

Saturday went pretty well until about 8pm. I spent the day with my sister. First, her two-hour hair appointment (and she looked gorgeous when they were done). Then Magic Mike. Turned out not to be as fun or interesting as I thought. Stupid subplots, didn't like the character The Kid. Hated Matthew McConaughey's character. Now Magic Mike, he was "interesting", but the movie was a lot more raunchy than I expected. I know, what should I have expected, it was a male stripper movie.  Basically, another stupid movie.

It was 6pm after the movie (where I avoided popcorn or diet Coke - a nasty habit I acquired recently). My sister's normal bedtime is 5:30pm. She sleeps 12 hours a night. I read this is normal post-stroke. At least she doesn't take a nap in the afternoon anymore. She was too tired to go out to eat and indicated she wasn't hungry. However, I asked her, "how about some ice cream?" and she smiled and nodded yes. We stopped at Baskin and Robbins. I got her a scoop of Pralines 'n Cream and nothing for me. 

So all had gone well, except I hadn't eaten anything since 11am. I got home at 7pm. I was starving! I still hadn't gone grocery shopping for Whole 30 foods. I had lots of stuff I could eat. Vegetables, fruit, chicken, fish. Dinner was talapia and brussels sprouts, with a cup of blackberries for dessert. I was still starving. I stood in the pantry and spotted a box of Carmel popcorn. The kind you pop in the microwave and then but a slab of caramel on it to melt. I ate both packages.

Sunday was worse. I was exhausted, probably from all the sugar and a bad night of sleeping. I just didn't care. I had major house cleaning to do, so I ate whatever, then slept four more hours. Got up at noon and cleaned like a manic.

So the whole weekend was a bust. No exercise. Bad eating.

Today I'm trying again. My healthy lunch is packed and I have really good intentions (again) today. The goal is to just get through the day. Just one day of eating healthy, whole foods. Certainly I can do one day, right?

I'm just not a caveman

I'm just not a caveman

I tried to do the Whole 30 this past week, on and off. Actually, more off than on. I have issues with it. It made me feel awful. Maybe it wasn't the diet, maybe I was coming down with something, but I felt yukky all week.

Deleting entire food groups from my diet didn't feel right. Milk, grains, legumes. Bad for me? The thoughts on how and when to exercise also concern me.

There are good things about eating like a caveman. Eating real food, eating organic when  possible makes sense. Deleting dairy and grains doesn't make sense. 

I know the primal/paleo diet works for a lot of people. I know this because I read it on their blogs. As much as I wanted to embrace the Whole 30, I just don't think it's a good fit for me.

That being said, what is my plan? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Who knew that at almost 57 years old I still wouldn't have this figured out.

My weight this morning, 216.4. Talk about feeling yukky. As my sister used to say right after her stroke (when she could still talk a little), I--am--mis--er--a--ble.

Today was my first day at making an honest effort of eating carefully, getting in 30 minutes of exercise (walked at lunch and it was painful), and logging my food. Lots of water.

I wore my BodyMedia all day. I was surprised it said I was active one hour and 45 minutes (how did that happen?), and had burned 2471 calories by 8pm. Calorie consumption 1675 (and I weighed and measured everything I ate today).

Well, it's late and I have a book to read for a book club thing I'm doing tomorrow at work. Not sure how I got talked into it, but I said I'd go to the first meeting. Downloaded the book to my Kindle, but guess I actually have to read it now.  Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. No idea what it's about, only that I have to read it.

A rough start with Whole 30

A rough start with Whole 30

I really thought this would be a good weekend to start the Whole 30 plan. My husband was out of town so I had complete control of what I ate. Or did I?

Saturday went pretty well until about 8pm. I spent the day with my sister. First, her two-hour hair appointment (and she looked gorgeous when they were done). Then Magic Mike. Turned out not to be as fun or interesting as I thought. Stupid subplots, didn't like the character The Kid. Hated Matthew McConaughey's character. Now Magic Mike, he was "interesting", but the movie was a lot more raunchy than I expected. I know, what should I have expected, it was a male stripper movie.  Basically, another stupid movie.

It was 6pm after the movie (where I avoided popcorn or diet Coke - a nasty habit I acquired recently). My sister's normal bedtime is 5:30pm. She sleeps 12 hours a night. I read this is normal post-stroke. At least she doesn't take a nap in the afternoon anymore. She was too tired to go out to eat and indicated she wasn't hungry. However, I asked her, "how about some ice cream?" and she smiled and nodded yes. We stopped at Baskin and Robbins. I got her a scoop of Pralines 'n Cream and nothing for me. 

So all had gone well, except I hadn't eaten anything since 11am. I got home at 7pm. I was starving! I still hadn't gone grocery shopping for Whole 30 foods. I had lots of stuff I could eat. Vegetables, fruit, chicken, fish. Dinner was talapia and brussels sprouts, with a cup of blackberries for dessert. I was still starving. I stood in the pantry and spotted a box of Carmel popcorn. The kind you pop in the microwave and then but a slab of caramel on it to melt. I ate both packages.

Sunday was worse. I was exhausted, probably from all the sugar and a bad night of sleeping. I just didn't care. I had major house cleaning to do, so I ate whatever, then slept four more hours. Got up at noon and cleaned like a manic.

So the whole weekend was a bust. No exercise. Bad eating.

Today I'm trying again. My healthy lunch is packed and I have really good intentions (again) today. The goal is to just get through the day. Just one day of eating healthy, whole foods. Certainly I can do one day, right?

Hitting rock bottom

Hitting rock bottom

I think I finally hit rock bottom, and I don't like it here.

1. I tried to pull on a pair of size 16 jeans this morning. I couldn't even get them up over my hips. I had to wear one of the two pairs of size 18's that I bought last week.

2. I don't know how much I weigh. The last time I weighed, last week I think, I was 217. Those size 16 jeans were tight, but at least I could get them on and buttoned.

3. I feel like hell. I get winded walking from my car to my office building and it's a very short walk.

4. Walking up one flight of stairs almost makes me pass out. Three flights almost kills me. How did I managed to climb 69 flights of stairs for the Big Climb last year and I did it in 19 minutes? How could I have let myself go like this?

5. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoid mirrors if I can.

6. My body aches. I don't like the rolls of fat hanging off my body. I'm very uncomfortable in this body. I don't feel like myself.

7. I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I feel stiff and out of sorts.

I could go on and on with this list. I could write a book about my misery over being fat.

So why don't I do something about it? I know that's what you're thinking. I know it's what I'm thinking almost every minute of the day. I'm obsessed with the question, why can't I fix myself?

I'm perfect all day, then every night I'm so tired, so frustrated with myself, so unhappy about what I've done to myself, that suddenly I don't care about any of it. I'm in a vicious cycle of self-destruction.

Tonight I really feel like I've hit bottom. I don't think I can feel much worse than I do right now. Oh, I suppose another 100 pounds might make feel worse, but I'm not sure I would get there because I'm pretty sure the weight I am right now is going to kill me first.

All that being said, I think it's time I made a change. I came home and put all the cookies and praline pecans I bought last night (and ate about half) down the garbage disposal. I wanted the food out of the house, and I wanted to show myself that this food is garbage. This is what makes me feel so awful.

I had a banana for a snack when I came home, with a big glass of water. Dinner is broiled tilapia and roasted Brussels sprouts. Then it's bed, then it's the gym tomorrow morning. I'm even going to set the alarm for 5am. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to make it through Day 1 and into Day 2.

I'm just not a caveman

I'm just not a caveman

I tried to do the Whole 30 this past week, on and off. Actually, more off than on. I have issues with it. It made me feel awful. Maybe it wasn't the diet, maybe I was coming down with something, but I felt yukky all week.

Deleting entire food groups from my diet didn't feel right. Milk, grains, legumes. Bad for me? The thoughts on how and when to exercise also concern me.

There are good things about eating like a caveman. Eating real food, eating organic when  possible makes sense. Deleting dairy and grains doesn't make sense. 

I know the primal/paleo diet works for a lot of people. I know this because I read it on their blogs. As much as I wanted to embrace the Whole 30, I just don't think it's a good fit for me.

That being said, what is my plan? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Who knew that at almost 57 years old I still wouldn't have this figured out.

My weight this morning, 216.4. Talk about feeling yukky. As my sister used to say right after her stroke (when she could still talk a little), I--am--mis--er--a--ble.

Today was my first day at making an honest effort of eating carefully, getting in 30 minutes of exercise (walked at lunch and it was painful), and logging my food. Lots of water.

I wore my BodyMedia all day. I was surprised it said I was active one hour and 45 minutes (how did that happen?), and had burned 2471 calories by 8pm. Calorie consumption 1675 (and I weighed and measured everything I ate today).

Well, it's late and I have a book to read for a book club thing I'm doing tomorrow at work. Not sure how I got talked into it, but I said I'd go to the first meeting. Downloaded the book to my Kindle, but guess I actually have to read it now.  Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. No idea what it's about, only that I have to read it.

Whole 30 and Dirty Dozen

Whole 30 and Dirty Dozen

Second post in one day, I must be feeling better!

I just skimmed through It Starts With Food on my Kindle. This is really going to be a major change for me. I'm curious about the outcome so I feel really motivated to do it. Weight loss would be great and is my ultimate goal, but feeling better by not eating all the crap I've been eating is even more exciting.

Although I'm not sure I'm completely on board with everything they're suggesting, I'm willing to give it a try. I'm suspicious about cow's milk being unhealthy, but they're logic makes sense. I agree about artificial sweeteners. I was pretty sure that Stevia is not all that healthy and the authors validated my thoughts.

A couple links for you, one is the link to the It Starts With Food website with a lot of free downloads, like how to get started with the Whole 30 and even a shopping list (which is in my purse right now): 


They have so much information on their website you almost don't need the book, although there's a lot of explanation as to why you should follow this eating plan in the book. 

Also, a link to the Dirty Dozen, which I think everyone needs to review.

That's it for now. Getting off this computer and getting my day going. Wonder if there's anything acceptable in my kitchen to eat for the Whole 30. Definitely going to be a challenge.

I'm just not a caveman

I'm just not a caveman

I tried to do the Whole 30 this past week, on and off. Actually, more off than on. I have issues with it. It made me feel awful. Maybe it wasn't the diet, maybe I was coming down with something, but I felt yukky all week.

Deleting entire food groups from my diet didn't feel right. Milk, grains, legumes. Bad for me? The thoughts on how and when to exercise also concern me.

There are good things about eating like a caveman. Eating real food, eating organic when  possible makes sense. Deleting dairy and grains doesn't make sense. 

I know the primal/paleo diet works for a lot of people. I know this because I read it on their blogs. As much as I wanted to embrace the Whole 30, I just don't think it's a good fit for me.

That being said, what is my plan? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Who knew that at almost 57 years old I still wouldn't have this figured out.

My weight this morning, 216.4. Talk about feeling yukky. As my sister used to say right after her stroke (when she could still talk a little), I--am--mis--er--a--ble.

Today was my first day at making an honest effort of eating carefully, getting in 30 minutes of exercise (walked at lunch and it was painful), and logging my food. Lots of water.

I wore my BodyMedia all day. I was surprised it said I was active one hour and 45 minutes (how did that happen?), and had burned 2471 calories by 8pm. Calorie consumption 1675 (and I weighed and measured everything I ate today).

Well, it's late and I have a book to read for a book club thing I'm doing tomorrow at work. Not sure how I got talked into it, but I said I'd go to the first meeting. Downloaded the book to my Kindle, but guess I actually have to read it now.  Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. No idea what it's about, only that I have to read it.

I'm just not a caveman

I'm just not a caveman

I tried to do the Whole 30 this past week, on and off. Actually, more off than on. I have issues with it. It made me feel awful. Maybe it wasn't the diet, maybe I was coming down with something, but I felt yukky all week.

Deleting entire food groups from my diet didn't feel right. Milk, grains, legumes. Bad for me? The thoughts on how and when to exercise also concern me.

There are good things about eating like a caveman. Eating real food, eating organic when  possible makes sense. Deleting dairy and grains doesn't make sense. 

I know the primal/paleo diet works for a lot of people. I know this because I read it on their blogs. As much as I wanted to embrace the Whole 30, I just don't think it's a good fit for me.

That being said, what is my plan? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Who knew that at almost 57 years old I still wouldn't have this figured out.

My weight this morning, 216.4. Talk about feeling yukky. As my sister used to say right after her stroke (when she could still talk a little), I--am--mis--er--a--ble.

Today was my first day at making an honest effort of eating carefully, getting in 30 minutes of exercise (walked at lunch and it was painful), and logging my food. Lots of water.

I wore my BodyMedia all day. I was surprised it said I was active one hour and 45 minutes (how did that happen?), and had burned 2471 calories by 8pm. Calorie consumption 1675 (and I weighed and measured everything I ate today).

Well, it's late and I have a book to read for a book club thing I'm doing tomorrow at work. Not sure how I got talked into it, but I said I'd go to the first meeting. Downloaded the book to my Kindle, but guess I actually have to read it now.  Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. No idea what it's about, only that I have to read it.

If I love myself...

If I love myself...

I picked up a book the other day. It was used, in a big pile of used books we had at work, and it was only $.50. It's a self-help book, and a review on the back cover says "An excellent book for restructuring one's life and finding self-esteem and self-love." I hesitate to give the title yet until I've read some more. The author is listed as a "metaphysical" lecturer. I'm not sure how I feel about that so I want to read more to make sure it's not some nut-case book that I'm recommending.


This book isn't about weight loss, but the few pages I've read so far have really helped me get my head in the right place for exercise and dieting. Since I've been on a self-hate mission, using food as my method of self-destruction, I know I have issues in the self-esteem, self-love arena.


It's no secret that I've really been struggling with my weight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost. My weight this morning is 213.6. I was actually attempting to be careful in what I ate last week, and went to the gym three times, but I still gained three pounds in a week. Obviously, I have a problem.


In this book, there are exercises for the mind, as seems to be the rule of most books on self-esteem (this isn't my first). The book stresses the use of positive self affirmations, which have never come easy for me. Loving myself versus my natural state of hating myself is not something I'm good at doing.

This is the exercise I'm on now.

Exercise:  I Love Myself

Take a pad of paper and at the top, write, "I LOVE MYSELF; THEREFORE..."

Finish the sentence in as many ways as you can. Read it over daily, and add to it as you think of new things.

There's more to this exercise, the "Claim the New" where you visualize or imagine what you are working toward. Fill in all the details. Feel, see, taste, touch, hear. Notice other people's reactions to your new state. 


Sounds like a weight loss book.


My list so far:


I love myself; therefore...

I will eat healthy foods in moderate portions.

I will cook for myself. I am worth the time and effort. 

I will eat very little processed foods. I deserve better.


I will exercise daily to keep my body and mind healthy.


I will not talk mean to myself when I look in the mirror. 

I will not talk mean to myself when I step on the scale.

I will not talk mean to myself when I get dressed in the morning. 

I will not talk mean to myself. Period. 


I will not worry about what people think about my weight gain. It doesn't matter what they think. This is my problem, not theirs.


I will be kind to myself even though I've gain a lot of weight. 

I will understand there are reasons I gained the weight and not blame myself or call myself stupid and ugly because of it.

I will accept responsibility for what I have done to myself, but not hate myself because of it. 


I will not condemn myself repeatedly during my day for gaining weight. 

I will love myself. 

I will be gentle with myself. 

I will be understanding when I go off my plan, and not criticize myself repeatedly with words of hate and shame.

I will be encouraging to myself.

I will drink lots of water and not use the excuse at work that I don't have time to go to the bathroom.

I will resume my healthy habits that I've neglected, such as taking my daily vitamins and supplements.

I will discontinue getting a small buttered popcorn at the movies every weekend with my sister. I don't even like it that much and it's very unhealthy. 

I will track my food. Bite it, write it. Regardless of which weight loss plan I choose, this is critical in weight loss. Again, I'm worth the time and effort.

I will buy some clothes that fit so I'm comfortable and look presentable. It's just a size, it doesn't make me a bad person to wear a larger size.


I will approve of myself instead of continually disapproving of my every action.

This is my list off the top of my head. I'm sure there will be many more things that I will add to it.

Sixteen years ago, during one of my many weight loss attempts, I lost 108 pounds (I was 123 pounds, 5' 6" and actually, a little too thin). My husband told me something I've thought about a lot lately. He said "when  you're thin, you're a different person. You're happy and positive about life. You want to do things. When you gain weight, you're not happy and your entire personality changes."


He wasn't necessarily being critical, and since I was at a low weight I took it as a compliment. He spoke the truth. I am a different person on the outside when I gain a lot of weight, and as unfortunate as it may be, that changes the person on the inside too. 


If I love myself, I will do this.

Easy to talk the talk, Hard to walk the walk

Easy to talk the talk, Hard to walk the walk

Within five minutes of writing my love myself post yesterday, I caught a glimpse of myself in our hallway mirror. I actually said to myself, spoken out loud (husband out of town again this weekend), "Watch out, wide load coming through!".

This negative self-talk is one of the hardest things for me to stop doing. I do it all day long and constantly catch myself either thinking or saying really cruel comments about my appearance. It's especially difficult now because I really don't like the way I look. I'm actually horrified by the distortion of my body and face. If anyone else talked to me like I talk to me, they wouldn't be someone I'd associate with at all. Kind of hard to do that when the person that continually puts me down is me. I'll continue to work on this, and try to say positive things in my self talk, but it's really hard!

My husband is in Denver this weekend with his dad. It's a good thing he flew down there Saturday morning. The hospital discharged him from the hospital on Friday, and took him by ambulance back to his little apartment. The poor guy can barely walk, couldn't even get out of bed. Since he refused rehab they said they had no choice but to send him home.

When my husband got there yesterday morning his dad said he really didn't feel well and thought he needed to go to the emergency room. Another ambulance ride back to the hospital. So Father's Day will be spent getting him moved into a rehab center to try to help him get strong enough to live on his own, although highly unlikely he'll ever move back home. Smoking = emphysema. Bad stuff. 

My plans for the day:

First, a 9:45am spin class. Even though my eating is still not where it should be, I have managed the gym for three days in a row. It's extremely hard to exercise at my current weight (213) and going to the gym is like going to a place of torture. There's really no other way to say this:  I hate it! There's a reason you don't see a lot of really obese people at the gym. I totally understand Who would want to go to a place where everything you do hurts? You'd have to be crazy. Or have to desperately want to lose weight.

There was a study published a few months ago stating exercise really only attributes to about 3% of our overall weight loss. I've always know this is true. I didn't know the exact percentage but you know when you burn 300 to 500 calories at the gym that really doesn't amount to much in food. Building muscle is good, but it still doesn't make that much difference in weight loss. Eating less is what's really important. What exercise does for me is work my mind. I get in the right mindset to lose weight. So my number one priority now is get to the gym, no matter what. No excuses.

The rest of the day is sister day. Our Sunday routine is usually a movie and a late lunch or early dinner. We're going to attempt to see The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel again. The last time we tried to see this movie, it was sold out. It was at a very small, privately owned theater, that I thought would be fun to go to, but their movies sell out quickly. Plus parking was a nightmare. Today we'll go to the big chain theater where I can buy the tickets through Fandango. This time, no movie popcorn for me and dinner will be grilled fish (not steak like last time). It's all about the choices I make.


Happy Sunday!

Feeling more like myself

Feeling more like myself

For the last few months, I've haven't felt well. I didn't know what was wrong, but I was always tired and borderline unhappy. Not depressed, just not really happy. In fact, I didn't feel like I was feeling anything. It was weird and not at all like how I usually feel. I was not normal, mentally or physically.

I blamed it on my weight gain of 40 pounds in the past seven months. I'm sure that was part of it, but yesterday I realized something else that changed about two months ago.

A quick recap of the past nine months:

August 2011 - Broke my wrist while bicycling and was in a fingertip to elbow cast for three months (first month was a fingertip to shoulder cast). Told would most likely have surgery. Missed a ton of work since I couldn't type (I'm a software developer). Fortunately it all healed and no surgery, but a stressful period.

Sept 2011 - My sister had a catastrophic stroke that left her completely paralyzed on her right side, unable to speak intelligibly, read or write. Previously a very active woman and now she's in a wheelchair.

Nov 2011 - After a battle with her eldest daughter, my niece, whom I no longer speak to (she is seriously crazy), I was appointed my sister's legal guardian by the State of Alaska.

Dec 2011 - Found out from my sister she'd been abused when I visited her at her assisted living in Fairbanks, Alaska. I live in Seattle. I can't tell you the horror of her trying to explain to me about the "bad" person. The only word she could say, "bad", over and over and point to her window. And her unending tears as she tried to tell me who had hurt her and what had happened, both of which I'll never know for sure because I can't understand her.

Jan 2012 - Moved my sister to Seattle to live close to me in a wonderful adult family home.

Feb 2012 - Filed a Vulnerable Adult Order of Protection with the state to keep my crazy niece away from my sister for the next five years.

Mar 2012 - Started a high-pressure, intense project at work with a very tight, unrealistic, but government-imposed deadline. Very much outside my comfort zone on this project.

Apr 2012 - Started breaking out in horrible hives, first a couple times a week, then every day. Huge red welts would appear for no apparent reason and itch like crazy, on different parts of my body on different days. And of course, let's not forget the lip swelling that happened randomly and made me look like a freak-a-zoid. It was misery.

Late Apr 2012 - On the advice of a nurse, I started taking a 24-hour Claritin on a daily basis. The hives and lip swelling immediately stopped. It had happened three times the day before. I was about ready to go to the emergency room.

Late Apr 2012 - June 28, 2012 - felt out of sorts. Extremely tired all the time. Eating out of control. Exercise almost non-existent. Often would get up early, get dressed to go to the gym, but wouldn't go. Too tired.

June 29, 2012 - yesterday - I got up, started to take the Claritin as I have every day for two months and although I have been hive free for that entire time, I decided to not take it. The pressure has lifted at work, my sister stuff has settled into a comfortable routine. I haven't spoken to the crazy niece since February and doubt I will ever speak to her again. Did I really need to continue taking the Claritin? I decided no, it was time to stop it.

Within only a few  hours, I felt different. I felt like myself. It was very weird. I was sitting at my desk yesterday and thought, why do I feel so different? What changed? I feel happy. I feel excited about my plans for July 4th. Life isn't bad.

I hadn't felt that feeling for months. Then it hit me, I stopped taking a pill I'd been taking every day for two months. Even though they claim Claritin has little to no side effects, I really noticed a difference in myself when I stopped taking it. I also slept better last night than I have in a long time. Like a rock. I didn't wake up once all night which is unusual. 

I feel ready to get back on the wagon. My wagon of choice this time around is the Paleo diet. Thanks to Lyn's post ( and this one) regarding the Whole 30, I thought this is a good time to figure out what foods make me feel good and the ones that make me feel lousy. If that tiny little Claritin pill has such a huge impact on my body, I know all the junk I'm dumping into my body must really be playing havoc with my physical and mental health.

I've got the book, It Starts with Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways, downloaded to my Kindle. I've skimmed it but will do some serious reading today and get the right food in the house (and the wrong food out of the house).

Today's plan:
Gym
Reading (the book referenced above)
Grocery shopping (including the Farmer's Market)
House cleaning - yuk
Take my sister for a color/cut and maybe a movie if she's up to it see a movie. Magic Mike - don't laugh - she loves that kind of stuff. I think she'll get a kick out of it. Rottentomatoes.com gave it an 80% rating (okay, I'll admit it, I love Matthew McConaughey).

Tomorrow - I will try to mow our lawn if it dries out a little. I have never mowed our lawn or even tried to start the lawn mower. We've lived her 14 years but it's my husband's thing. It hasn't been mowed in five weeks. I've never seen it this tall. My husband is usually a freak about the lawn, , always working on it trying to make it the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, he's in Denver again this weekend. Fifth time in the last six weeks (and he just started a new job five weeks ago).

His dad was taken to ER again on Thursday but is back at the nursing home today. His dad is complaining he can't breath. He's on oxygen, but he can't get enough. It's the emphysema. Damned smoking for the past 50 years. I wish the Federal government would make cigarette sales illegal and put the tobacco companies out of business.

The tobacco industry is something I will never understand. I understand the whole financial aspect of it, the big business, the jobs that would be lost, the taxes the state and federal governments would lose, the revenue for the Indian tribes (we have an Indian Smoke shop on almost every corner here), but I just don't get it. Cigarettes are poison. They kill people. Slowly and painfully. Yes, I know it's a choice but it doesn't make any sense that it's okay to sell cigarettes. Okay, stepping off my soapbox. This is a weight loss blog, not an anti-smoking blog. Still, it just makes me crazy!

Okay, until tomorrow. I plan to be back to daily posting now that I'm myself again. :)